I ran into my "dad" a couple of weeks ago while I was working, & although I've tried to stifle the emotions it's renewed ...... I'm having a really hard time "letting it go".....
I think the thing that bothers me the most is I really thought I was done being angry at this man..... I had made the decision to put it behind me, and put him out of my head....... That seemed to last a few years..... ((And believe me THAT was hard to do........ I look in the mirror and I see his eyes.... (mine)
So although the negativity was......."put away"...... I have a daily reminder of "where" I come from......... every time I look at me...... And..... maybe, just maybe that is why I *hate* looking at pictures of myself......
I won't open myself up to him, and allow him to hurt my children the way he has me........ But I have made the decision to break this evil / vicious cycle and let the "hate" go......
I don't know how I am going to do it.......... but......... somehow I have to get enough courage to walk up to him and let him know that I forgive him.......... and.......... if and when he needs me I'll be there for him .......
I suppose in alot of ways I'm being selfish because I'm really not doing this for him....... I'm doing it for *me* and to *prove* to me that although I have his genetics...... I am not him...... and I've chosen a very different path than he took.....
Happy Birthday "Dad"......... I've always thought of you on this day, and I probably will continue until the day I die........ I wish things could have been different.......and I wish just once...... I could have heard you say I love you..........
Monday, November 24, 2008
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Just a real quick......blog.....
This day can't end soon enough so I am going to bed early! :P
Tyler lost his second tooth today... :0) He decided that he digested the first one so well that he'd try swallowing the second one also...... (yeah he's honestly swallowed BOTH of them so far) :shrug: To make matters worse he is wearing this as a badge of honor.... He thinks that since the tooth fairy has to use a special wand to get the tooth from his tummy that he gets extra $$ (whose flipping idea was it to make THAT story up to him...!!!!!)
Tyler lost his second tooth today... :0) He decided that he digested the first one so well that he'd try swallowing the second one also...... (yeah he's honestly swallowed BOTH of them so far) :shrug: To make matters worse he is wearing this as a badge of honor.... He thinks that since the tooth fairy has to use a special wand to get the tooth from his tummy that he gets extra $$ (whose flipping idea was it to make THAT story up to him...!!!!!)
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
The Munchkins.....
I stopped by mom's house tonight after work to pick the kiddos up..... I literally made it 2 steps into the door when I heard 3 sets of feet running to me all 3 sputtering to get the first "Mommy Mommy" out first.......
I bent down gave them all hugs and the "Mommy Mommy" war continued..... Just as I thought my head was going to start to spin I managed to get out """OOOOOOOOK Guys ONEEEEEEEE AT A TIME""" We'll flip a coin and we'll see who goes first Deal?!?!?
Logan started it off.... He only wanted to get out one sentence which was....
"Mama, Tyler slapped me in the head would you spank him?"
Tyler ofcourse responded NOOOOO I didn't he's just trying to get another one of my beanie babies! (I have a rule in our house that's simple-- if you raise your hand or you smack your brothers or sisters they get to choose a toy that is yours and keep it) It's amazing how fast the hands have stopped flying!
Once we were past *that* drama it was Chloey's turn..... THIS was the EXACT sentence she hit me with.....and the only way I can express it in "typed words"
Mama-- Sissy took me shopping today on the internet and I learned all about percentages and I can tell you what 10,20,30,40,50,60,70,80 and 90% off is on any number you give me..Give me one mama give me one!!!!!! Oooooooh and I found the most fabulous top can you buy it for me AND Tyler really did hit Logan, but logan hit him first I didn't do anything I swear and Uncle told me that if you wouldn't buy me that shirt he would buy it for me and you look pretty mommy.....
See that above paragraph? Imagine that flying at you within 5 seconds..... there was NO pause.... NO time to answer her..... NO time to give her a number... it was literally "faster than a speeding bullet"......
I kneeled down so I could look her in the eye and said.... Chloey?...... Baby...... do you realize that your body needs you to BREATHE? "Yes Mama" then S-L-O-W down and let's start this all over again......
Sissy took you shopping today?
"Yes Mama and I found this fabulous top and it's 40% off of 30.00 which makes it $18.00 plus shipping but sissy said shipping is free for any order over 25.00 so I wish it wasn't 40% off because with shipping it's gonna be 26.00 so it's really not 40% off and I really wanted this and I'm going to have to find a pair of matching"
I didn't even try to stop her I just put my index finger to my lips and said Shhhhh
She stopped and said... "I did it again huh?"......
Yes baby you did...... let's try it again....
Her reply?
Mama? Do you have $26.00 I can have?
Somehow.... I am KNOWING she did that one on purpose!
I bent down gave them all hugs and the "Mommy Mommy" war continued..... Just as I thought my head was going to start to spin I managed to get out """OOOOOOOOK Guys ONEEEEEEEE AT A TIME""" We'll flip a coin and we'll see who goes first Deal?!?!?
Logan started it off.... He only wanted to get out one sentence which was....
"Mama, Tyler slapped me in the head would you spank him?"
Tyler ofcourse responded NOOOOO I didn't he's just trying to get another one of my beanie babies! (I have a rule in our house that's simple-- if you raise your hand or you smack your brothers or sisters they get to choose a toy that is yours and keep it) It's amazing how fast the hands have stopped flying!
Once we were past *that* drama it was Chloey's turn..... THIS was the EXACT sentence she hit me with.....and the only way I can express it in "typed words"
Mama-- Sissy took me shopping today on the internet and I learned all about percentages and I can tell you what 10,20,30,40,50,60,70,80 and 90% off is on any number you give me..Give me one mama give me one!!!!!! Oooooooh and I found the most fabulous top can you buy it for me AND Tyler really did hit Logan, but logan hit him first I didn't do anything I swear and Uncle told me that if you wouldn't buy me that shirt he would buy it for me and you look pretty mommy.....
See that above paragraph? Imagine that flying at you within 5 seconds..... there was NO pause.... NO time to answer her..... NO time to give her a number... it was literally "faster than a speeding bullet"......
I kneeled down so I could look her in the eye and said.... Chloey?...... Baby...... do you realize that your body needs you to BREATHE? "Yes Mama" then S-L-O-W down and let's start this all over again......
Sissy took you shopping today?
"Yes Mama and I found this fabulous top and it's 40% off of 30.00 which makes it $18.00 plus shipping but sissy said shipping is free for any order over 25.00 so I wish it wasn't 40% off because with shipping it's gonna be 26.00 so it's really not 40% off and I really wanted this and I'm going to have to find a pair of matching"
I didn't even try to stop her I just put my index finger to my lips and said Shhhhh
She stopped and said... "I did it again huh?"......
Yes baby you did...... let's try it again....
Her reply?
Mama? Do you have $26.00 I can have?
Somehow.... I am KNOWING she did that one on purpose!
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Thank God I'm Older.......
I know you "men" that read this blog will enjoy this admittance....... Women are catty lil beasts............. and I suppose I need to admit that today..... I am one of those "Catty lil beasts"...
I had previewed the Leps "Crossroads" show before it aired on CMT last night..... and I had already started my "rants" about Taylor Swift long before sitting down last night to watch the entire show.....
Half way through it... I realized it wasn't a jealousy / envy...... I was seriously embarrassed for my gender.... (yah that sounds ridiculous) but that IS how I felt..(and) feel........... I know she's *young* but the thing about her that I just couldn't stand was the "cocky" vibe she was putting off...... There was just absolutely NO humility to be seen coming from that "child".
She definitely needs to take a few lessons from her violin player... (The red head) she RAWKED the stage and did it with CLASS...... Not one time did I see her pretending to be a pole dancer and strutting like a peacock in heat.... simply put..... she ROCKED it.....
Moving along, :0) I think my "guys" did a great job...... Joe's voice sounds better than it has in YEARS..... and Vivi...... well Vivi is just Vivi :0)......
During the lil interviews I was reminded just how much I would love to meet Rick Allen, he has SUCH a soft soul...... I think out of all of the "guys" in the band he is probably the most "grounded" and has some very intriguing beliefs..... I think alot of *who* he is right now can be attributed to his accident and his beautiful wife Lauren (who I would love to meet also) ...
All in all...... I think it was a damn good show, and I came away from it feeling ALOT better than I did when they made the mistake of being on DWTS.... (I still turn red when I think about that one) ........
One of my favorite Lep songs ever............ Just something about this one.........
I had previewed the Leps "Crossroads" show before it aired on CMT last night..... and I had already started my "rants" about Taylor Swift long before sitting down last night to watch the entire show.....
Half way through it... I realized it wasn't a jealousy / envy...... I was seriously embarrassed for my gender.... (yah that sounds ridiculous) but that IS how I felt..(and) feel........... I know she's *young* but the thing about her that I just couldn't stand was the "cocky" vibe she was putting off...... There was just absolutely NO humility to be seen coming from that "child".
She definitely needs to take a few lessons from her violin player... (The red head) she RAWKED the stage and did it with CLASS...... Not one time did I see her pretending to be a pole dancer and strutting like a peacock in heat.... simply put..... she ROCKED it.....
Moving along, :0) I think my "guys" did a great job...... Joe's voice sounds better than it has in YEARS..... and Vivi...... well Vivi is just Vivi :0)......
During the lil interviews I was reminded just how much I would love to meet Rick Allen, he has SUCH a soft soul...... I think out of all of the "guys" in the band he is probably the most "grounded" and has some very intriguing beliefs..... I think alot of *who* he is right now can be attributed to his accident and his beautiful wife Lauren (who I would love to meet also) ...
All in all...... I think it was a damn good show, and I came away from it feeling ALOT better than I did when they made the mistake of being on DWTS.... (I still turn red when I think about that one) ........
One of my favorite Lep songs ever............ Just something about this one.........
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
A New Day....
It's hard to believe that I find something more important than the fact today is election day and the country is probably about to go to hell with Obama as president....
But.... :Sigh: I've been traumatized so I feel the need to write about it.....
I went to Defleppard.Com tonight to see "what" was going on with the guys........ One of the first things I see is this blurb about the CrossRoads Show they did with Taylor Swift......
Ok I'll bite..... I click on the video and I swear to God I did NOT mean to say it but before I knew what was spewing from my mouth I said..... "I Hope that Bitch falls off the stage" Thankfully only ONE of my children (my oldest) was sitting in the room with me and she IMMEDIATELY gave me "the death stare" and said "MOTHER"...... I turned 15 shades of Red...... Apologized profusely and her next words were..... "Taylor Swift is 20 years younger than you and blonde, it's OK"
:::::::::::WAIT::::::: Did she really just go there?!?!?
If ya all want to watch the future stripper pole dance her way across the stage with my guys..... It's on this Friday at 9...... (CMT)
YES I'm flipping envious! :0) (Does it show) :::::coughflippingwhorecough:::::
But.... :Sigh: I've been traumatized so I feel the need to write about it.....
I went to Defleppard.Com tonight to see "what" was going on with the guys........ One of the first things I see is this blurb about the CrossRoads Show they did with Taylor Swift......
Ok I'll bite..... I click on the video and I swear to God I did NOT mean to say it but before I knew what was spewing from my mouth I said..... "I Hope that Bitch falls off the stage" Thankfully only ONE of my children (my oldest) was sitting in the room with me and she IMMEDIATELY gave me "the death stare" and said "MOTHER"...... I turned 15 shades of Red...... Apologized profusely and her next words were..... "Taylor Swift is 20 years younger than you and blonde, it's OK"
:::::::::::WAIT::::::: Did she really just go there?!?!?
If ya all want to watch the future stripper pole dance her way across the stage with my guys..... It's on this Friday at 9...... (CMT)
YES I'm flipping envious! :0) (Does it show) :::::coughflippingwhorecough:::::
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Last Day........
Gonna make this as short as possible........ because we are getting ready to run out again.....
Heading home tomorrow and quite honestly I'm depressed...... I hate the thought of going back to Ohio....... I think my *soul* belongs here...... I found a house here that I *really* like..... it's been on the market for over a year, and I'm going to do some SERIOUS soul searching when I get home...... I've been *thinking* about changing occupations, and if I can complete a LPN degree within the next year and "come home" I am going to.......
I want my children to grow up in a place where they are close to their roots....... Although my town is a good little town..... being here I've realized I've managed to find (probably) the only place in Ohio that is "close" to WVA..... but it's just that..... an imitation.......
My heart aches knowing I have to leave here tomorrow...... I just don't want to.....
Heading home tomorrow and quite honestly I'm depressed...... I hate the thought of going back to Ohio....... I think my *soul* belongs here...... I found a house here that I *really* like..... it's been on the market for over a year, and I'm going to do some SERIOUS soul searching when I get home...... I've been *thinking* about changing occupations, and if I can complete a LPN degree within the next year and "come home" I am going to.......
I want my children to grow up in a place where they are close to their roots....... Although my town is a good little town..... being here I've realized I've managed to find (probably) the only place in Ohio that is "close" to WVA..... but it's just that..... an imitation.......
My heart aches knowing I have to leave here tomorrow...... I just don't want to.....
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